Discovery

Something I wrote to someone....
   This comes from my soul.......You did not used to be like most everyone else. You used to be all feeling.I remember. We both are very unique in that we were blessed to feel more than others.There is a purpose to this we have yet to see. I am just at the start of my journeyto practice this. My purpose will become clear when it is time. The discovery waswas a struggling lifetime to get to. But I am here.Of course, I used to think I was all good and knew all of the answers.And all feeling. I was bottled up just like you became. And are.We kinda have switched places.  Just in a different way.I believe your soul called me for a reason. You knew it was time.There are stages that our spirits go through if we grow.Some people never go past some stages.Others go back and forth between them, others may just go back & forth a time or two.Until they figure it out. I think you are still "figuring it out."We humans do get caught up in our pleasure, pain, wants, desires, and comfort.Defining love to suit our own needs. We seek out others to define ourselves andfulfill us. These others are just like us. They seek to feel.We don't get past our own selves.We don't feel our souls.We look for everything and do everything to numb the feelings that try to direct usback to our souls. It takes a very powerful lesson to cause us to see ourselves aswe really are and to see the truth.The truth is not based on us at all. Nothing we can do to ourselves can change the truth.Our souls know. God knows. He is truth and love. All love. Love is of the spirit.He is feeling. He is all.Your soul is still the same as it always was. It speaks to you. Listen.God bless you, my love.". . . you cannot know yourself if you deny what you see. . ." J. Krishnamurti

Love yourself :-)

I continue to learn from others. After thinking of all that I did on Friday, I had some revelations that were new to me in some ways. I could feel that I had crossed a few more milestones. This is helped so by not having a radio in the car. LOL
Being poor (as all things) has its blessings when we choose to see them.
One of the wisdoms I saw was that no matter what it may be (emotional,attitude, gender, chemical, your job, physical, just something you don't like about your life, or you don't feel right about "you",whatever), if you don't address it and "get right with yourself", you will never be comfortable in your own skin. Your life will never seem to go as you want it. There are people that won't click with you when you do get it all together but that is their problem, not yours. There is a tendency to put our faith in other people way too much. It is the desire to be loved and accepted. This is good but never when we hold it ahead of the health of ourselves. Only being whole can we truly express the love that we are and we will receive it back tenfold. To be less than ourselves distracts us and we are in such pain that we cannot truly see the true love in and all around us. We are here to love.
(Not to get into "religion" here :-) just a basic fact) For me, Jesus showed the way best. He came & endured all of this and more. He was who He was no matter what. I do believe God sent Him to show us the way. For others, it may be someone else or another way. I do not question any longer. I just seek to understand and love.
On a basic spiritual level, We are all given choices of everything about our lives. We can do and be anything we choose. I feel one reason this"is" relates to our charting our paths and fulfilling our purposes in life. Without us having such freedom, it just could not be done as God wants it to be. If restrictions were placed on us at all, love would never be done. Love is everything.

Love is Blindness

Gosh, does this hit a spot. Even though I do know what love is for real now.
Love is blindness in several ways. We love by accepting which is a "blindness"
to faults in some respects. We do see but overlook because they don't matter.
Blindness is not always not seeing. The blind "see" things in ways that those with
sight can not even dream of.
I hear this as more what it is like when we are selfish, sick, or deny the love
that is around us everywhere.
I guess this is my past coming back to still haunt me.
Plus, the hope I have still burning for my husband still hurting.

"Love Is Blindness"

Love is blindness I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night Around me
Oh my heart Love is blindness

In a parked car In a crowded street
You see your love Made complete
Thread is ripping The knot is slipping

Love is blindness Love is clockworks
And cold steel Fingers too numb to feel
Squeeze the handle Blow out the candle
Love is blindness

Love is blindness I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night Around me
Oh my love Blindness

A little death Without mourning
No call And no warning
Baby...a dangerous idea That almost makes sense

Love is drowning In a deep well
All the secrets And no one to tell
Take the money Honey
Blindness

Love is blindness I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night Around me
Oh my love
Blindness

Feeling

Intransigence n : the trait of being intransigent; stubbornly refusing to compromise

   "Staring At The Sun"

Summer stretching on the grass... summer dresses pass
In the shade of a willow tree creeps a crawling over me
Over me and over you stuck together with God's glue
It's going to get stickier too...
t's been a long hot summer let's go undercover
Don't try too hard to think... don't think at all

I'm not the only one starin' at the sun
Afraid of what you'd find if you took a look inside
Not just deaf and dumb i'm staring at the sun
Not the only one who's happy to go blind

There's an insect in your ear if you scratch it won't disappear
It's gonna itch and burn and sting
Do you want to see what the scratching brings
Waves that leave me out of reach
Breaking on your back like a beach...
Will we ever live in peace?
Cause those that can't do often have to
Those that can't do often have to... preach

To the ones staring at the sun...
Afraid of what you'll find if you took a look inside
Not just deaf and dumb... staring at the sun
I'm not the only one who'd rather go blind

Intransigence is all around... military is still in town
Armour plated suits and ties... daddy just won't say goodbye
Referee won't blow the whistle God is good but will HE listen
I'm nearly great But there's something I'm missing
I left in the duty free Though you never really belonged to me

You're not the only one staring at the sun
Afraid of what you'd find if you stepped back inside
I'm not sucking my thumb I'm staring at the sun
Not the only one who's happy to go blind

Tulsa Mortuary Road Trip!!!!!

Well, did I get to go on a road trip to weirdness or what?
   I got 3 hours notice asking me to take my oldest nephew to Tulsa to complete his 6  "assignments" for mortuary school which he had put off off for so long, he had 2 days left to do them or would be out of the school for good. No one cared, was able, or had time to take him except me. Of course, I did it. I called my friend, Barbara, because she had been wanting to go ANYWHERE for a long time and been "crying" CASINO as well. She got ready faster than I would have believed. We were both amazing! LOL
   His uncle rented a car, paid for the room, and fronted money for gas & food. Off we went. Of course, it was eventful. I will only touch on the "road trip" aspects.
   I will just have to come back (or write this all down someplace else) since it was so weird. LOL 1) Freaky guy at gas station yelling at me because I walked into the storage area ("his office" ???) instead of the bathroom, My nephew got a free candy bar from him afterwards and I wished him peace and good stuff like that on the way out as his mouth fell open); 2) non-stop talking by my nephew which almost drove me crazy. I love him but I would have preferred the stereo. Mortuary and his breakup/get even talk with his girlfriend gets tedious, at best, after 5 hours; 3) Everybody was the driver :-P; 4) Overshot the area of Tulsa we were supposed to be in and the gas guage was on the little gas pump. There was nothing for miles & miles. Barbara & Anthony talked of the movies in which people run out of gas in these kinds of scary places at night. We made it to a gas station. DARN!; 5) Located the mortuary then set out to find a room.  Showdown in car that almost had us returning home; Stopped at Super 8 motel. While finding out about a room, clerk had a call for police then a woman burst into the office saying a man broke the window and was trying to kill her. I left. We went over to Tudor Place which was Medieval looking on the outside and cheaper. Later, Anthony said that the guys at the mortuary said they get a lot of hangings & suicides from there and a lot of prostitute deaths from the Super 8. How nice.
   6) While Anthony was getting his "assignments" done (these were to be at least 4 embalmings and 2 autopsies), I went with Barbara to the Cherokee Casino. I watched her lose money, bless her heart. She won a few times but I wished she would have won more. Might have shared! LOL This was a brand new place so I guess they were still paying for it. Nice buffet and beautiful! I love the sounds & lights.; 7) I played a nickel machine at which someone won the progressive jackpot while I was sitting at it. Typical.; 8) Anthony came back both times smelling terrible, with blood on him (he brought no other clothes) and telling all about what he had done :P :P He did take baths! :-D His favorite stories were getting to drive limos around Tulsa, tho. LOL; 9) We started back Thursday morning after just having gotten there late Tuesday night. He was all done. On the way back, more mortuary talk. (I want to be cremated). He finally found the backseat of the Olds Alero folded down in the trunk & he went to sleep. He had not slept but a few hours all the time we had been gone; 10) I think, today, I am finally recovered. LOL
   When I saw Anthony last night, he was feeling good and said the school was amazed to see him back. (He graduates in November.) I was glad to be able to do my small part, with a crazy road trip, to enable him to do that. Surprised we all 3 are not nuts. :-D
   It is good to know that even though I have changed, the interesting life I have always lived, has not. LOL It keeps coming.

Peace & Joy!!!

   I've got peace in my heart, I've got peace in my soul, flowing like a river into the depths of who I am and I am sure of who I am. Sweet peace. :-)
   I've got joy in my heart, I've got joy in my soul, flowing like a fountain into the depths of who I am and I am sure of who I am. :-D
   In love with life! Life is good.
   Love one another as you want to be loved.
   Being poor in money is minor to all the wonder of the riches of living, friendship, family,
arts, giving, community, & spirit. It is difficult to believe I ever felt any different in life.
   Great things are happening! My happiness grows, if that is possible. :-D
    I am truly blessed :-D :-D :-D :-D

Let it begin with me

"I am only one; but still I am one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.
I will not refuse to do the something I can do."
--Helen Keller.

I am a living message of love to the world.

For that Special Someone

For weeks, I have heard this song in my head as each day goes by...
I finally decided to post the lyrics here & maybe it will help them to go away...
For you-know-who-you-are.... whereever you are.... change "she" to "he"

"With Or Without You"

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you

“Lateralus”

“Lateralus” Written by Maynard James Keenan

Black then white are all i see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be,
reaching out to me. lets me see.
as below, so above and beyond,
I imagine drawn beyond the lines of reason.

Push the envelope. Watch it bend.
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black then white are all i see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be,
reaching out to me. lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look thru to these infinite possibilities.
as below, so above and beyond, I imagine drawn outside the lines of reason.

Push the envelope. Watch it bend.
over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind.
Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.

Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.
I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm,
to feel connected enough to step aside
and weep like a widow to feel inspired to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral to swing on the spiral
to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I move myself between the sounds
and open wide to suck it in. I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out. I'm reaching for the random
or what ever will bewilder me. what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going. Spiral out. Keep going. Spiral out. Keep going.
Spiral out. Keep going. Spiral out. Keep going.

An Invitation

I think this says it all
   Go here -- http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/invitation.htm

The Search

"Let those who seek, continue seeking until they find.When they find, they will become troubled.  When they become troubled they will be astonished..." "Recognize what is in your sight,and that which is hidden from you will become plain to you."--The Lost Gospel of Thomas
   The search never ends. Knowledge of everything, physical and spiritual, is ongoing. The answers all lie at the end. I know the raod now though. That is a more than most know. I am truly blessed.
   We all teach each other. We all are Love. We all are one.
   Just most don't know this yet.
   Its amazing when you finally see the light.
   Affirmation from someone else that you meet and watch come back from the darkness is totally amazing and teaches more than one could ever believe.
   Such is Gary W. 2 for me.

Love

This is something I had on my Yahoo Messenger from a female friend I know little about. She has only spoken to me a few times over the past 8 months or so and has told me little. I don't even remember what we have chatted about but her profile is odd and the pic is of something odder. So, this really was a surprising thing to get.
   Of course, on the Internet, this could be anybody....
   If you have a penny and I have a penny and we exchange pennies, you still have one cent and I still have one cent. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange ideas, you now have two ideas and I now have two ideas.
   to live is to love, to love is to feel, to feel is to hurt, to hurt is to lose, to lose is to hate, to hate is to heal, to heal is to change, to change is to risk, to risk is to love Love is a risk everyone takes, some of us win, some of us lose, it's a lottery of hearts, you never know what to expect, just keep playing the odds and pray for the best.

Wisdom & Age

Wisdom comes with age but, sometimes, age comes alone.

Seeking, healing, and psych

This was a post that I made to a music list I am on. It was in answer to a shocking show done which was, indeed, appalling. The person on the list said the band needed psychiatric help for doing such a show.........

   Psychiatric help is not always the answer for everything.
Take it from one that knows and has been there.
Just got on the other side good.
It can help but healing does come from within.
Whatever each of us may have inside that that others believe
is not right, will just stay there unless we come to also believe,
in some way, that it needs changed. From there, we will be the
real ones to do it. Everything else is just guidance. This is the only way
if real change happens, as I see it.
   There is a lot of self-expression and what is shown on the outside
and that is a whole different thing. What we do to make others think
or see inside our psyche to gain some understanding to who we are.
That is part of wanting to connect to others and other times,
wanting to seek change in the world around us.
Then there comes down to the search. The seeker.
And that is when we can be the most gullible. And openminded.
And also others most base instincts come out.

   Look at all of the lyrics about searching.
It can be a fascinating time. One of the scariest.
And one of the loneliest.
And one of the most dangerous.

"If it is peace you want,
seek to change yourself,
not other people."

A memory from Childhood about alcohol

I was never around any alcohol in the little Texas town I was raised in. Our church was a strict small Baptist church. No shorts or pants, dancing, movies, etc.. It was amazing we could watch the TV as I look back. I did not even know what the ads on TV were about when it showed beer and such.
The first time that I ever saw anyone drunk was when we were at my grandmother's in Hillsboro. I was maybe about 5. We hadn't been there long when there was a horrible crash! Someone had hit our parked car at a high speed. He was drunk & was walking around. We all went outside. I remember seeing him, stumbling around among everyone that had come out to see what had happened. The police were there, too. I caught his eye & I saw that he had only one arm. He was a sight! Suddenly, my mom gathered my brother & I inside because we shouldn't see or be around a drunk. No telling what he might do next!
I know I heard lots of talk about it after that & over the years but I don't remember any of it. He had no insurance and neither did we so I don't know what we did for a car but it was a mess. It is just good he had not come along when we had just gotten there or he would have probably killed us all.
Still, I can see him today over 40 years later. I have seen many more drunks since but he is the most vivid. What makes people drink like that? That was the one time that I was impacted directly by it. I never thought I would ever be again. I sure know what it is to suffer & be unhappy. That is just not one solution that I can believe helps. Or is fun. I truly think the only thing that does any good is to talk, to hug, & to hold on to each other. And to pray. These don't numb us though. They make us feel. It is easier to run, hide, escape, or drink & drug away, escape in sex or some weirdness or another than to face up to things. I ran away many times. And I learned alot on the journey. But you can only run so far. From that point, you either stand your ground or give up. You can't run forever.
I often wonder what happened to that one armed man. Did he die in a drunken wreck someplace else? Did his liver give out or did he get cancer? Some other awful death? Or maybe he found his strength in himself. Stood his ground one day. Found his peace. Maybe through the help of a little girl's eyes. I would like to think so. The other would be such a waste. Loving someone like that breaks many hearts. They least know, their own.

To addictive husbands (whatever the addiction{s} may be)

I see myself on T.V., I'm a faker, a paper clown
It's clear to all my friends that I habitually lie; I just bring them down
I claim proneness to exaggeration
But the truth lies in my frustration
The children of the night, they all pass me by
Have to drench myself in brandy
In sleep I'll hide
But however much I booze
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

I lose so many nights of sleep worrying about my responsibilities
Are the problems that screw me up really down to her or me
My ego will just confuse me
Some day it's going to up and use me
Dish me out another tailor-made compliment
Tell me about some destiny I can't prevent
And however much I squirm
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

Won't somebody tell me how to get out of this place?!

Then the night comes down like a cell door closing
Suddenly I realize that I'm right now, I'm on the scene
While sitting here all alone with a bottle and my head a-floating
Far away from the phone and the conscience going on at me
And on at me, and I don't care what you say
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out

Now the walls are all clawed and scratched
Like by some soul insane
In the morning I humbly detach myself
I take no blame
I just can't face my failure
I'm nothing but a well fucked sailor
You at home can easily decide what's right
By glancing very briefly at the songs I write
But it don't help me that you know
This ain't no way out
Won't somebody tell me?
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out

Give me the key, lock it away

There ain't
There ain't
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out

The Who - However Much I Booze

Tomorrow

Every day, every way
tomorrow, it's your saving grace
well, got no time to worry
'cause I've got no time to hurry
baby, it's your saving grace

Revelations on the 11th of March

Life rains down so hard upon some people that we know.
It tears their faith and hope away and they walk around like ghosts.
We see them as they are breaking and as their spirit dies,
But deep inside, we still believe they will come alive and fly.

—Don White in "Angel in Pieces"

http://www.zuzusplace.org/index.php?id=name

This day began with news of things I would never have dreamed possible.
And will never be known from me.

I grow more humble everyday to the ways of the Lord and how He helps us to move on.
Old doors close very slowly and new ones open even slower but it is so.
The hallway is lonely but He is always with us.

Maturity

Well, not peace but no fight yet either. I can still hope one is not going to come but I doubt it. Anger and stubborness makes everything take a backseat to some. Those who cannot see past their own pain.  I cannot fix this. Lord knows I wish I could go back and do so. Or knew the words to make it so. The lessons learned and the new road ahead must far outweigh the mending of this or even the peaceful resoluton of it. Maybe We will both understand how this fits in later years. Even my husband who is not even looking past this moment in time. Only to the now and what he wants for himself at this time. I pray that he finds what he seeks. I had wished this had gone differently in even the ending but I do not always measure my every move properly even with all I have learned. Time will stand still for a while. And the worst is yet to come. God will get us through.

My husband

Well, he has a woman he lives with.
Known her 8 months.
Just when he stopped talking to me.
I met her the other day.
I have known about her for a while even though he never told me.
As I said, I did not hear from him for 8 months.
He did not have the nerve to tell me until the other day.
The last time he told me anything he said that he lived alone.
Better than the married one he saw for a year, I guess.
Especially since we were still together then.
He called tonight and said he moved out.
I don't believe him but where would he go if he did?
The next in line? I bet that he has one set up in case.
I always wonder if there were past ones, too, I never knew about.
The body count begins to rise as he continues to spiral down.
We should all start a club.
there is a song this reminds me of, "Let the bodies hit the floor".
He keeps searching for what he needs but can't find in himself.
His charm works on all even his ex wife.
He sure can make women feel special when he wants and it suits him.

I couldn't handle when he emotionally left me.
Way before I ever knew he would really physically leave me.
I slowly spiraled downward.
Eventually had my own body count.
Went places I had never been (and never will ever again).
Karma hit me.
Then I saw the light.
and I changed.
He was too far gone by then.

Thank God I did change.
Everything, bliss or horror, is a learning experience.
There were plenty of all kinds and inbetweens in the years with him.
Now, I pray for resolution so I can move forward.
Will it ever come peacefully?
As this goes into its 2nd year, my prayers deepen.
My belief in the power of Love, which is God, the same,
tells me He will prevail. In peace.
And in Him, I have all faith. He can touch all hearts.

(I know I am gonna get comments on this entry but I don't enter things
in my journal for anyone but me. This is not "for you". If you read it,
deal with it. Hey, I sound like Sean now. I sure do love & miss him but
I was just someone he was forced to live with to be with his dad and
I always knew it. That was never easy to live with either. Yes, Sean,
I have learned to "deal with it". You never knew how much I loved you,
though. Maybe you have moments you remember now. I can always hope.
Peace and wonderful things to all.)

Love in the form of a soldier

As I grow and get older, I continue to learn.
That is the point, too, I guess. :-)
I know some people don't seem to do both.
I have learned so much about soldiers by knowing
and speaking with them in life.
I was chatting with a friend tonight
that served in the Army before the war.
He was talking about his regiment that is now over in Afghanistan.
I could sense his worry and pain in his caring of them.
He said he cares more that they do a good job.
I said I could relate to his feelings about them though.
He asked how that was and this is what I said....
"I have empathy and a desire to understand.
Because I love and have suffered......
It is very simple.
I cannot feel exactly but I can relate by trying to understand.
I am one of the few that is always thinking
of those soldiers there everyday
and I keep my ribbon long after others have disappeared.
I see if everyday and think of them.
My heart knows.
And I am so very thankful.
More sacrifices than most of the people can ever
or will ever realize happen every second in every way in war.
It is very sad.
But it is what they must do.

As warriors ....".

God bless the soldier man.