Going on...

Most times, I know the reasons that I keep going. That's why I'm still here & not jumping off of a bridge some place when things get discouraging or I think of the "real world". Its really difficult to lose those you love and friends who disappear. Trusting then being hurt. Being handed more confusion after some questions are answered.

Is it REALLY that difficult to find a man who understands and cares about things as I do? Even if just as a friend. Has the world become so shallow that is next to impossible? I tell myself that I can't be that rare of a bird but where do the other birds like me flock together? I can't even find a female friend who fits this.

Sex is wonderful but falls flat without the rest. So, I've almost forgotten what it is like to have love & sex together. I wonder if I'm going to keep getting older alone. It also seems impossible that one person can approach another and actually relate that they are not just wanting sex or to be judged on the desirability scale. I really feel that I do not fit in this world at all. Actually, I've never thought so.

I need to find the other planet that others like me go & save my money for a ticket.

Get Real

Instead of a year, I'm writing every three months. Maybe I'll get around to every week in a few more years.
If there are a few more years left.

Anyway, I used to be depressed a lot. Crazy in some ways. I think I've been through such storms and, well, just plain crap that I've figured it out. Discouraged. Disappointed. Just can't understand people. Hey, I can get along with anyone and I seem like a cheerleader for happy but it is just because I respect people and realize so many go through the same feelings that I do. then, there are the others. The ones with no feelings.That can see everything only with their own eyes. I'm not gonna get very far with this, its so early. I guess I'll have to come back sooner when the words come easier.
There are people who are as real as can be found in this reality or whatever. They give their hearts. Trust. Love. Never figure out much. Blind. More on that later.
Then, there are the people who are not at all what they seem. Those are the types that seem to find me.
I don't always have to look for them either. I think I have an invisible symbol on my forehead that only these types can see, even over the internet.
Then, there are the ones trapped in-between these two groups.
I'm not sure how big a group we are but it has to be smaller than these two. Very difficult to any others.
Maybe add disillusioned to my list, now that I think about it.
Other labels for these "groups" could be Controlled, Controlling, and Uncontrolled.
Well, just throwing out stuff. I just get a little pissed sometimes about being a sucker.
Thinking someone is one thing when they're another.
Oh, well.

They come in threes

Today was one of those off days that did not start until the night. First, I said glowing things to my fella and it seemed he did not like to hear them. His reply was that was high expectations and difficult to keep up with.
Hmm. This arose in me a feeling that he has not heard much good about him from anyone for a while. I can't know. Just feel. So, this made me feel a bit weird since I'm not use to people seeming offended about my good words. My feelings of love for him.

Next, my brother calls me about my dad's wife. Nothing nice to say &spitting negativity, anger, and hate (though he would not see it that way). Anything I tried to say or express of my view of her met with scorn on how I'm one of those 60's nuts on love. It was sad & hurtful to hear him say things as he did because I understand. I was there before.
I used to be so that way.
Not now that I have opened my eyes. Slow a process as it was & is.

Then, a friend e-mailed me that her husband was in the hospital because he had a heart attack. He had run off with a transsexual months ago and left her alone.

When you begin to see things differently, it is amazing what you do see. If we make our own reality, this makes the notion entirely strange.

I fumble through with my new sight and try to stay afloat in this sea. I don't want to change anyone. Each has his own journey. Those I love or those I do not know. Its all the same.

It is all still very puzzling to me.
To feel so different when I used to be the same.

Forever is so long ago

It's been a long time since I've written here. Kept meaning to, though. I started this on AOL. They stopped blogs & I switched it to where they had "sold" the souls of bloggers. I'd forgotten. Now, maybe I'm back.
And, man, how I've changed.
I've been through more than I could have imagined would or could ever happen. Some people want to start over but not this babe. Never back in that hole. Not who I was. Eyes forward as much as my brain will allow.
Ain't easy.

This Little Light of Mine....

It is so very difficult to live in a world that most everyone is only interested in fulfillment of self and there is no respect for others nor the self. There is no honor. All is forgotten that we all are the same and should treat each other with love. Nothing else matters in the end. Even though egos, material wants and what we think we must have at all costs including other people and any opportunity, even walking all over and using others, run rampant and convince us otherwise. It is all about self. All about each person. It is not about anyone else at all. Just one's self. Such sadness we create in the world and, ultimately, in ourselves when we live this way. Karma is not just for those who feel justified. It is for everyone. Good and not good. Love is all that matters. And what is not of love can only bring pain.
   No matter what others may do to me or what happens around me, I will still walk in the spirit of love and peace because I know what truly matters. We are all the same and we each matter. What does not matter are the petty things we create in this world that are not love, not respectful, and are not honorable. Nothing can deter me from that. No matter what price I must pay. My heart and soul are my conscious and will always be with me as my guide forever.
   As the Lord said, Love One Another as I Love you, And I obey my Lord. Peace.

Discovery

Something I wrote to someone....
   This comes from my soul.......You did not used to be like most everyone else. You used to be all feeling.I remember. We both are very unique in that we were blessed to feel more than others.There is a purpose to this we have yet to see. I am just at the start of my journeyto practice this. My purpose will become clear when it is time. The discovery waswas a struggling lifetime to get to. But I am here.Of course, I used to think I was all good and knew all of the answers.And all feeling. I was bottled up just like you became. And are.We kinda have switched places.  Just in a different way.I believe your soul called me for a reason. You knew it was time.There are stages that our spirits go through if we grow.Some people never go past some stages.Others go back and forth between them, others may just go back & forth a time or two.Until they figure it out. I think you are still "figuring it out."We humans do get caught up in our pleasure, pain, wants, desires, and comfort.Defining love to suit our own needs. We seek out others to define ourselves andfulfill us. These others are just like us. They seek to feel.We don't get past our own selves.We don't feel our souls.We look for everything and do everything to numb the feelings that try to direct usback to our souls. It takes a very powerful lesson to cause us to see ourselves aswe really are and to see the truth.The truth is not based on us at all. Nothing we can do to ourselves can change the truth.Our souls know. God knows. He is truth and love. All love. Love is of the spirit.He is feeling. He is all.Your soul is still the same as it always was. It speaks to you. Listen.God bless you, my love.". . . you cannot know yourself if you deny what you see. . ." J. Krishnamurti

Love yourself :-)

I continue to learn from others. After thinking of all that I did on Friday, I had some revelations that were new to me in some ways. I could feel that I had crossed a few more milestones. This is helped so by not having a radio in the car. LOL
Being poor (as all things) has its blessings when we choose to see them.
One of the wisdoms I saw was that no matter what it may be (emotional,attitude, gender, chemical, your job, physical, just something you don't like about your life, or you don't feel right about "you",whatever), if you don't address it and "get right with yourself", you will never be comfortable in your own skin. Your life will never seem to go as you want it. There are people that won't click with you when you do get it all together but that is their problem, not yours. There is a tendency to put our faith in other people way too much. It is the desire to be loved and accepted. This is good but never when we hold it ahead of the health of ourselves. Only being whole can we truly express the love that we are and we will receive it back tenfold. To be less than ourselves distracts us and we are in such pain that we cannot truly see the true love in and all around us. We are here to love.
(Not to get into "religion" here :-) just a basic fact) For me, Jesus showed the way best. He came & endured all of this and more. He was who He was no matter what. I do believe God sent Him to show us the way. For others, it may be someone else or another way. I do not question any longer. I just seek to understand and love.
On a basic spiritual level, We are all given choices of everything about our lives. We can do and be anything we choose. I feel one reason this"is" relates to our charting our paths and fulfilling our purposes in life. Without us having such freedom, it just could not be done as God wants it to be. If restrictions were placed on us at all, love would never be done. Love is everything.