A memory from Childhood about alcohol

I was never around any alcohol in the little Texas town I was raised in. Our church was a strict small Baptist church. No shorts or pants, dancing, movies, etc.. It was amazing we could watch the TV as I look back. I did not even know what the ads on TV were about when it showed beer and such.
The first time that I ever saw anyone drunk was when we were at my grandmother's in Hillsboro. I was maybe about 5. We hadn't been there long when there was a horrible crash! Someone had hit our parked car at a high speed. He was drunk & was walking around. We all went outside. I remember seeing him, stumbling around among everyone that had come out to see what had happened. The police were there, too. I caught his eye & I saw that he had only one arm. He was a sight! Suddenly, my mom gathered my brother & I inside because we shouldn't see or be around a drunk. No telling what he might do next!
I know I heard lots of talk about it after that & over the years but I don't remember any of it. He had no insurance and neither did we so I don't know what we did for a car but it was a mess. It is just good he had not come along when we had just gotten there or he would have probably killed us all.
Still, I can see him today over 40 years later. I have seen many more drunks since but he is the most vivid. What makes people drink like that? That was the one time that I was impacted directly by it. I never thought I would ever be again. I sure know what it is to suffer & be unhappy. That is just not one solution that I can believe helps. Or is fun. I truly think the only thing that does any good is to talk, to hug, & to hold on to each other. And to pray. These don't numb us though. They make us feel. It is easier to run, hide, escape, or drink & drug away, escape in sex or some weirdness or another than to face up to things. I ran away many times. And I learned alot on the journey. But you can only run so far. From that point, you either stand your ground or give up. You can't run forever.
I often wonder what happened to that one armed man. Did he die in a drunken wreck someplace else? Did his liver give out or did he get cancer? Some other awful death? Or maybe he found his strength in himself. Stood his ground one day. Found his peace. Maybe through the help of a little girl's eyes. I would like to think so. The other would be such a waste. Loving someone like that breaks many hearts. They least know, their own.

To addictive husbands (whatever the addiction{s} may be)

I see myself on T.V., I'm a faker, a paper clown
It's clear to all my friends that I habitually lie; I just bring them down
I claim proneness to exaggeration
But the truth lies in my frustration
The children of the night, they all pass me by
Have to drench myself in brandy
In sleep I'll hide
But however much I booze
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

I lose so many nights of sleep worrying about my responsibilities
Are the problems that screw me up really down to her or me
My ego will just confuse me
Some day it's going to up and use me
Dish me out another tailor-made compliment
Tell me about some destiny I can't prevent
And however much I squirm
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

Won't somebody tell me how to get out of this place?!

Then the night comes down like a cell door closing
Suddenly I realize that I'm right now, I'm on the scene
While sitting here all alone with a bottle and my head a-floating
Far away from the phone and the conscience going on at me
And on at me, and I don't care what you say
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out

Now the walls are all clawed and scratched
Like by some soul insane
In the morning I humbly detach myself
I take no blame
I just can't face my failure
I'm nothing but a well fucked sailor
You at home can easily decide what's right
By glancing very briefly at the songs I write
But it don't help me that you know
This ain't no way out
Won't somebody tell me?
I don't care what you say, boy
There ain't no way out

There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out

Give me the key, lock it away

There ain't
There ain't
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out
There ain't no way out

The Who - However Much I Booze

Tomorrow

Every day, every way
tomorrow, it's your saving grace
well, got no time to worry
'cause I've got no time to hurry
baby, it's your saving grace

Revelations on the 11th of March

Life rains down so hard upon some people that we know.
It tears their faith and hope away and they walk around like ghosts.
We see them as they are breaking and as their spirit dies,
But deep inside, we still believe they will come alive and fly.

—Don White in "Angel in Pieces"

http://www.zuzusplace.org/index.php?id=name

This day began with news of things I would never have dreamed possible.
And will never be known from me.

I grow more humble everyday to the ways of the Lord and how He helps us to move on.
Old doors close very slowly and new ones open even slower but it is so.
The hallway is lonely but He is always with us.

Maturity

Well, not peace but no fight yet either. I can still hope one is not going to come but I doubt it. Anger and stubborness makes everything take a backseat to some. Those who cannot see past their own pain.  I cannot fix this. Lord knows I wish I could go back and do so. Or knew the words to make it so. The lessons learned and the new road ahead must far outweigh the mending of this or even the peaceful resoluton of it. Maybe We will both understand how this fits in later years. Even my husband who is not even looking past this moment in time. Only to the now and what he wants for himself at this time. I pray that he finds what he seeks. I had wished this had gone differently in even the ending but I do not always measure my every move properly even with all I have learned. Time will stand still for a while. And the worst is yet to come. God will get us through.

My husband

Well, he has a woman he lives with.
Known her 8 months.
Just when he stopped talking to me.
I met her the other day.
I have known about her for a while even though he never told me.
As I said, I did not hear from him for 8 months.
He did not have the nerve to tell me until the other day.
The last time he told me anything he said that he lived alone.
Better than the married one he saw for a year, I guess.
Especially since we were still together then.
He called tonight and said he moved out.
I don't believe him but where would he go if he did?
The next in line? I bet that he has one set up in case.
I always wonder if there were past ones, too, I never knew about.
The body count begins to rise as he continues to spiral down.
We should all start a club.
there is a song this reminds me of, "Let the bodies hit the floor".
He keeps searching for what he needs but can't find in himself.
His charm works on all even his ex wife.
He sure can make women feel special when he wants and it suits him.

I couldn't handle when he emotionally left me.
Way before I ever knew he would really physically leave me.
I slowly spiraled downward.
Eventually had my own body count.
Went places I had never been (and never will ever again).
Karma hit me.
Then I saw the light.
and I changed.
He was too far gone by then.

Thank God I did change.
Everything, bliss or horror, is a learning experience.
There were plenty of all kinds and inbetweens in the years with him.
Now, I pray for resolution so I can move forward.
Will it ever come peacefully?
As this goes into its 2nd year, my prayers deepen.
My belief in the power of Love, which is God, the same,
tells me He will prevail. In peace.
And in Him, I have all faith. He can touch all hearts.

(I know I am gonna get comments on this entry but I don't enter things
in my journal for anyone but me. This is not "for you". If you read it,
deal with it. Hey, I sound like Sean now. I sure do love & miss him but
I was just someone he was forced to live with to be with his dad and
I always knew it. That was never easy to live with either. Yes, Sean,
I have learned to "deal with it". You never knew how much I loved you,
though. Maybe you have moments you remember now. I can always hope.
Peace and wonderful things to all.)

Love in the form of a soldier

As I grow and get older, I continue to learn.
That is the point, too, I guess. :-)
I know some people don't seem to do both.
I have learned so much about soldiers by knowing
and speaking with them in life.
I was chatting with a friend tonight
that served in the Army before the war.
He was talking about his regiment that is now over in Afghanistan.
I could sense his worry and pain in his caring of them.
He said he cares more that they do a good job.
I said I could relate to his feelings about them though.
He asked how that was and this is what I said....
"I have empathy and a desire to understand.
Because I love and have suffered......
It is very simple.
I cannot feel exactly but I can relate by trying to understand.
I am one of the few that is always thinking
of those soldiers there everyday
and I keep my ribbon long after others have disappeared.
I see if everyday and think of them.
My heart knows.
And I am so very thankful.
More sacrifices than most of the people can ever
or will ever realize happen every second in every way in war.
It is very sad.
But it is what they must do.

As warriors ....".

God bless the soldier man.