Going on...

Most times, I know the reasons that I keep going. That's why I'm still here & not jumping off of a bridge some place when things get discouraging or I think of the "real world". Its really difficult to lose those you love and friends who disappear. Trusting then being hurt. Being handed more confusion after some questions are answered.

Is it REALLY that difficult to find a man who understands and cares about things as I do? Even if just as a friend. Has the world become so shallow that is next to impossible? I tell myself that I can't be that rare of a bird but where do the other birds like me flock together? I can't even find a female friend who fits this.

Sex is wonderful but falls flat without the rest. So, I've almost forgotten what it is like to have love & sex together. I wonder if I'm going to keep getting older alone. It also seems impossible that one person can approach another and actually relate that they are not just wanting sex or to be judged on the desirability scale. I really feel that I do not fit in this world at all. Actually, I've never thought so.

I need to find the other planet that others like me go & save my money for a ticket.

Get Real

Instead of a year, I'm writing every three months. Maybe I'll get around to every week in a few more years.
If there are a few more years left.

Anyway, I used to be depressed a lot. Crazy in some ways. I think I've been through such storms and, well, just plain crap that I've figured it out. Discouraged. Disappointed. Just can't understand people. Hey, I can get along with anyone and I seem like a cheerleader for happy but it is just because I respect people and realize so many go through the same feelings that I do. then, there are the others. The ones with no feelings.That can see everything only with their own eyes. I'm not gonna get very far with this, its so early. I guess I'll have to come back sooner when the words come easier.
There are people who are as real as can be found in this reality or whatever. They give their hearts. Trust. Love. Never figure out much. Blind. More on that later.
Then, there are the people who are not at all what they seem. Those are the types that seem to find me.
I don't always have to look for them either. I think I have an invisible symbol on my forehead that only these types can see, even over the internet.
Then, there are the ones trapped in-between these two groups.
I'm not sure how big a group we are but it has to be smaller than these two. Very difficult to any others.
Maybe add disillusioned to my list, now that I think about it.
Other labels for these "groups" could be Controlled, Controlling, and Uncontrolled.
Well, just throwing out stuff. I just get a little pissed sometimes about being a sucker.
Thinking someone is one thing when they're another.
Oh, well.

They come in threes

Today was one of those off days that did not start until the night. First, I said glowing things to my fella and it seemed he did not like to hear them. His reply was that was high expectations and difficult to keep up with.
Hmm. This arose in me a feeling that he has not heard much good about him from anyone for a while. I can't know. Just feel. So, this made me feel a bit weird since I'm not use to people seeming offended about my good words. My feelings of love for him.

Next, my brother calls me about my dad's wife. Nothing nice to say &spitting negativity, anger, and hate (though he would not see it that way). Anything I tried to say or express of my view of her met with scorn on how I'm one of those 60's nuts on love. It was sad & hurtful to hear him say things as he did because I understand. I was there before.
I used to be so that way.
Not now that I have opened my eyes. Slow a process as it was & is.

Then, a friend e-mailed me that her husband was in the hospital because he had a heart attack. He had run off with a transsexual months ago and left her alone.

When you begin to see things differently, it is amazing what you do see. If we make our own reality, this makes the notion entirely strange.

I fumble through with my new sight and try to stay afloat in this sea. I don't want to change anyone. Each has his own journey. Those I love or those I do not know. Its all the same.

It is all still very puzzling to me.
To feel so different when I used to be the same.

Forever is so long ago

It's been a long time since I've written here. Kept meaning to, though. I started this on AOL. They stopped blogs & I switched it to where they had "sold" the souls of bloggers. I'd forgotten. Now, maybe I'm back.
And, man, how I've changed.
I've been through more than I could have imagined would or could ever happen. Some people want to start over but not this babe. Never back in that hole. Not who I was. Eyes forward as much as my brain will allow.
Ain't easy.